I’ve had a most unwelcome visitor lately…. expected, but still very unwelcome.

It’s name is ANXIETY.

I’ve never been much of a risk-taker.  For as long as I can remember, I’ve played it pretty safe (those of you who have known me for a long time can attest to this).  Why?  The simple answer is for fear of screwing up.  I am also a HUGE perfectionist, and the thought of not so much me, but OTHER’s seeing me screw up really bothers me.

So in comes my new company.  While I’m totally excited that it’s been taking off quite well so far, the fact that I’ve put myself out there scares the bejesus out of me.  All sorts of questions have been running through my head…. What if people don’t like my stuff?  What if they say nasty things about it?  What if I can’t keep up with demand?  What if I overinvest and can’t pay my bills?  What if I become successful and people expect more from me than I can give?  What if, what if, what if…….

Despite trying REALLY REALLY hard to ignore these irritating little voices, they seem to be getting louder and louder.  My insomnia has SKYROCKETED to the point that I’m lucky to be getting three hours of sleep a night.  Seems as soon as I wake up, the inner banter starts, and anxiety ensues.  Yeesh….

I guess the simple solution is to just GET OVER IT.  We all know that you can’t please everyone, right?  Whether I succeed or not, my family and friends are still going to think I’m fabulous (right?  RIGHT????) so I’m just going to throw my hands up to the universe and let the negative attitude go.  I mean, I started this company so I would have something productive to do in my spare time that I really enjoyed doing…. selling my handiwork is just a perk.  If people don’t like my stuff, oh freaking well.  All I can do is my best.

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I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve THOUGHT about blogging lately, but just haven’t gotten around to it.  It’s just one of those things that has sunk to the bottom of my priority list.  However, a good friend of mine sort of requested an entry, so here I am.  Nice to know that I am loved 😀

So what’s been happening lately…..  hmmmm…..  Well I guess the biggest thing I’ve got going on right now is my new business.  AngelFire Bath and Beauty has officially been born.  It’s taken a pretty big turn from what I had first intended it to be, which was mineral make-up.  That might still happen, but right now I am making lip balms, bath bombs (which seem to be surprisingly popular at the moment, I’ve sold tons of them) and kids soap with embedded toys.  It is keeping me busy, and it’s lots of fun.  I hope to be making REAL soap soon, from scratch (right now I’m just doing melt-and-pour) and I’m still working on my own formula for tinted bath fizzies for kids.  My first couple of attempts failed miserably, so I’m giving it one more try, and if it doesn’t work, I’m letting that one go.  It’s so nice to be doing something that I enjoy, and even if it doesn’t sell as much as I would like, it’ll make for nice presents for friends and family.

The work situation has dramatically improved.  By that I mean that when I’m there, I no longer want to hang myself 😀  Our new manager is tres cool and I’m quite happy with the hours that I’m getting.  Here’s hoping it continues…..

Ryan and I actually went out on a date a couple nights ago.  He took me out for dinner and a movie, which may sound kinda boring to some people but to me it was heaven…. any break I get from job/kids/housework makes me happy.  He even got all gentlemanly and opened doors for me and stuff.  Sigh……. I just luvs him.

We’ve got lots of plans to fix up our house.  We’ve been living here for almost a year and have done a lot of thinking about what kind of renovations we want to do, and although I am terrified (yes, terrified) of all the hard work it will require, it will be so worth it in the end.  We have to dig up the front AND the backyard (they look like crap and need complete do-overs), the whole inside of the house needs painting (except the two rooms Ryan painted before we moved in), the  kitchen needs new cabinets (although I think that’s last on the list), and the downstairs spare room needs to be finished (it’s basically four unfinished walls and a cement floor).  Ryan also wants to stucco the house, and we’re hoping the neighbors will want theirs done too (seeing as it’s a duplex and it would look kinda stupid with just one side done).  It will be interesting to see how it unfolds over the next few months.  I will be sure to take before, during, and after pictures 😀

Well, I think that’s it for now.  I have some housework I want to get done before the kids get up.  Thanks for reading.

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I take Willow to a playgroup at our community center twice a week, and she really enjoys it.  It’s basically a gymnasium filled with tons of toys, slides, Flintstone-style cars, etc etc, and it’s two hours of free play.  Willow goes bananas everytime we pass by the community center, so I guess it’s safe to say she has a pretty good time there.  It’s good for me too, as I’ve become friends with a couple other moms that go, and I can get some adult conversation that I may not get otherwise.  Fabulous.

Last week, I was confronted by a situation I wasn’t sure how to quite deal with.  There was a man there with his son, and he was busy clicking some pictures of his son with his cell phone.  Fine, right?  The trouble I had was that my daughter was in those pictures too.  Now think about it…. what do we all do with the pictures of our kids?

We put them on the internet.  Facebook, MSN, Myspace… the list goes on. 

If it had been one of my friends snapping the pictures, it would not have bothered me in the least, as they are someone I know and trust.  However, this man was a total stranger, and the fact that he didn’t even ask me if I was okay with him taking pictures of my child really irked me.  I mean, I was sitting right there, what stopped him from saying “Hey I’m just taking some pictures of my son, is it okay if your daughter is in them?”  That’s what I would have done, anyways.   I think the parent should be in control of where pictures of their child ends up.

So is this just me being super-uptight, or was this a faux-pas on the man’s part?  How would you handle something like this?

I know, I know, I totally vowed to blog more often, and here it’s been almost two months….. I’ve actually had quite a few thoughts rolling around that I wanted to write about, but emotionally just haven’t felt strong enough to deal with the scrutiny that may ensue afterwards.  I mean, lately I haven’t been able to even update my Facebook status without dealing with scrutiny, ffs (what are you, the status police?  REALLY).  I’m going to try to work on ignoring that and just writing down my thoughts.

Ryan has been back to work a few times in the past couple of weeks after being laid off for the winter…. yay, happy dance.  I liked having him home, but I am relieved that he will be getting paid again 😀  I am also looking forward to getting back into the routine I had before and not feeling insanely jealous because HE gets to sleep in all the time and I don’t…. now he has to get up, just like me…. NEENER NEENER! 

Our difficulties with Haley’s behaviour haven’t improved much, but the good news is they are no worse.  The doctors offered me a prescription for her for some sort of scary-sounding anti-rage medication, but until they can figure out more about what is going on with her, I refuse to medicate her.  To me that is too much of an easy way out, for her AND me, and if they aren’t really sure what the problem is in the first place, how can they possibly know what medication she would need?  I’m looking to get her better, not just shut her up, although I’m sure that there are parents out there at their wits ends who might take their doctors up on that 😀

Work is definitely going better than it was before, which is a relief as it is damn near impossible to find work this time of year and I would have been stuck either way.  They finally worked out the kinks in payroll so I am getting my paycheques, and the new manager is awesome.  What does suck is that a couple of my friends got laid off, and there have been some rumours floating around that there will be more lay-offs to come, but apparently these rumours have been started by people that don’t actually have a clue what they are talking about and there is really nothing to worry about.

On a happy happy note, I found the creative outlet I so desperately needed.  I’ve started making my own bath and beauty products.  It all kind of started a couple months ago when I was trying to sell off the rest of my Mary Kay inventory (after trying and trying to make it in that business and failing miserably) and my cousin asked for an ingredient list for their mineral make-up.  She was pretty grossed out at how many nasty chemicals these products contained, so I started doing some research on some of the ingredients myself and found that a lot of them can be pretty bad for you.  I thought to myself what a kick it would be to learn to make the stuff myself using alternative (safer) ingredients.  Shortly afterward I started researching how to make your own bath bombs, lip glosses and makeup.  The internet is abundant with recipes and different websites that sell supplies to make these products, but a lot of these recipes still contained the same yucky ingredients I wanted to avoid.  After several tries, I finally came up with some recipes that are safe and don’t contain harmful fillers.  I have started off easy making bath bombs (you know, the ones that fizz in your bath and smell pretty), next will be lip glosses.  (I actually tried lip glosses before but the recipes I had didn’t quite work, I have new ones that hopefully will work better).  After that, I am trying my hand at mineral makeup.  I LOVE makeup, so why not?  What I would like to do is sell my products at the farmer’s market over the summer, and of course sell over the internet and make a little extra money.  I am saving up for makeup artistry school, so what better way than to sell beauty products that I make myself?

I guess I better close this off for now.  I am super-tired and I should be off in la-la land now BUT Mr. Snorey McSnoreypants woke me up (which has been turning into a bit of a habit and I’m about to banish him to the couch!)  I haven’t heard any snoring for a while so maybe it’s safe to go back to bed… so g’nite for now 🙂

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Isn’t it great that we have a holiday that is based solely on gratitude?  I think we should have more of these, so we can all be reminded to spend some time reflecting on what fabulous things we have in our lives.  Sure, it’s in human nature to want to have more of everything, to keep up with those we perceive to be more well-off than we are (I say perceive because in a lot of cases, what they have in material things, they lack in happiness).  But I personally find that when I just spend a couple minutes thinking of all the positive in my life, I feel happier, which helps everyone around me feel happier, too.

So what am I thankful for?  Lemme start by saying I have the best family EVER!!!!  My husband is truly phenomenal, he understands me better than anybody and his patience is truly unwavering.  When I’ve had a bad day, I can just unload on him without fearing judgement, and when I’m pumped about something, I can count on loads of encouragement.  He does his damnedest to make sure I have everything I need or want.  He’s yet to forget a birthday or anniversary, and he also considers the actual day we got together, almost eight years ago, our anniversary too.  Yes, he is as close to Mr. Perfect as they get, and he is all mine 😀  And then I have two fabulous daughters.  My oldest has taught me (and is STILL teaching me!) everything I know today about parenting, the virtue of patience and the art of picking your battles 🙂  She is the biggest help with the baby, and is always striving to do her best.  My youngest is just as cute as a button, and her perseverance is inspiring.  I can appreciate now how difficult is must be to learn everything from birth, from rolling, to crawling, to walking, to saying words.  The absolute joy on her face when she takes a few steps brightens the whole room, and when she falls down, she just gets right back up again.  We can all learn a lot from that, don’t you think?

Then there’s my parents.  I can honestly say I never really appreciated them until I had children of my own.  Who knew how difficult it would be to work for a living, pay the bills, AND be responsible for the health and happiness of a little person who, quite frankly, won’t appreciate you until THEY have children of their own?  Parenting is definitely the most thankless job there is 😀  My mom and dad are always there for me, no matter what, and I wouldn’t trade the relationship I have with them today for anything. 

That brings me to my friends.  You know who you are, whether we’ve known each other for (lemme see….) 24 years, one year, or anything in between.  Whether we talk often or just once in a while.  Whether we live in the same province, or halfway around the world.  Whether we met at school, or at work, or just randomly through a mutual friend.  You all matter to me so much and I’m so grateful to have such positive forces backing me up!  Big hugs to all of you.

I am also grateful for all the experiences I have had over the years that, at that particular time, sucked.  Because these experiences helped to make me the person I am today, and quite frankly, I like who I am.  Besides, having a crappy job helps me to appreciate the fact that today I have a pretty easy job for more pay.  It also makes me more compassionate towards those who work in those particular fields and not so quick to get impatient if they make a mistake.  I’ve been there, I know how it feels to get berated for doing imperfect work when you’re getting paid minimim wage.  Having had crappy boyfriends helps me appreciate how great the man I married is.  Having had friendships that didn’t last makes me appreciate the ones I have now, particularly the ones that have lasted over many years.  The universe seems to have perfect order, and for every time I didn’t get what I wanted, or things didn’t go the way I planned, everything ended up working out in the end.

So thank you, universe, for my family, for my friends, for the abundance that surrounds me.

Today is my weekly weigh in – I’m down to 176.5.  Hooray!

From now on I’m going to be posting my progress at the Bootcamp blog.  Seems more appropriate.  There’s a link at the right side of the page if you want to check it out.

Have a great Sunday all!!!

I’m looking for new tunes to listen to while I’m working out.  For me, having the right music makes for an awesome workout, as opposed to a mediocre workout.  SO, I need some ideas, because I’m getting kinda bored of my playlist.  My tastes vary, so I’m open to any suggestions you might have.  If you could just write your ideas in the comments, that would be SO greatly appreciated 😀