Isn’t it great that we have a holiday that is based solely on gratitude?  I think we should have more of these, so we can all be reminded to spend some time reflecting on what fabulous things we have in our lives.  Sure, it’s in human nature to want to have more of everything, to keep up with those we perceive to be more well-off than we are (I say perceive because in a lot of cases, what they have in material things, they lack in happiness).  But I personally find that when I just spend a couple minutes thinking of all the positive in my life, I feel happier, which helps everyone around me feel happier, too.

So what am I thankful for?  Lemme start by saying I have the best family EVER!!!!  My husband is truly phenomenal, he understands me better than anybody and his patience is truly unwavering.  When I’ve had a bad day, I can just unload on him without fearing judgement, and when I’m pumped about something, I can count on loads of encouragement.  He does his damnedest to make sure I have everything I need or want.  He’s yet to forget a birthday or anniversary, and he also considers the actual day we got together, almost eight years ago, our anniversary too.  Yes, he is as close to Mr. Perfect as they get, and he is all mine   And then I have two fabulous daughters.  My oldest has taught me (and is STILL teaching me!) everything I know today about parenting, the virtue of patience and the art of picking your battles   She is the biggest help with the baby, and is always striving to do her best.  My youngest is just as cute as a button, and her perseverance is inspiring.  I can appreciate now how difficult is must be to learn everything from birth, from rolling, to crawling, to walking, to saying words.  The absolute joy on her face when she takes a few steps brightens the whole room, and when she falls down, she just gets right back up again.  We can all learn a lot from that, don’t you think?

Then there’s my parents.  I can honestly say I never really appreciated them until I had children of my own.  Who knew how difficult it would be to work for a living, pay the bills, AND be responsible for the health and happiness of a little person who, quite frankly, won’t appreciate you until THEY have children of their own?  Parenting is definitely the most thankless job there is   My mom and dad are always there for me, no matter what, and I wouldn’t trade the relationship I have with them today for anything. 

That brings me to my friends.  You know who you are, whether we’ve known each other for (lemme see….) 24 years, one year, or anything in between.  Whether we talk often or just once in a while.  Whether we live in the same province, or halfway around the world.  Whether we met at school, or at work, or just randomly through a mutual friend.  You all matter to me so much and I’m so grateful to have such positive forces backing me up!  Big hugs to all of you.

I am also grateful for all the experiences I have had over the years that, at that particular time, sucked.  Because these experiences helped to make me the person I am today, and quite frankly, I like who I am.  Besides, having a crappy job helps me to appreciate the fact that today I have a pretty easy job for more pay.  It also makes me more compassionate towards those who work in those particular fields and not so quick to get impatient if they make a mistake.  I’ve been there, I know how it feels to get berated for doing imperfect work when you’re getting paid minimim wage.  Having had crappy boyfriends helps me appreciate how great the man I married is.  Having had friendships that didn’t last makes me appreciate the ones I have now, particularly the ones that have lasted over many years.  The universe seems to have perfect order, and for every time I didn’t get what I wanted, or things didn’t go the way I planned, everything ended up working out in the end.

So thank you, universe, for my family, for my friends, for the abundance that surrounds me.

Today is my weekly weigh in – I’m down to 176.5.  Hooray!

From now on I’m going to be posting my progress at the Bootcamp blog.  Seems more appropriate.  There’s a link at the right side of the page if you want to check it out.

Have a great Sunday all!!!

I’m looking for new tunes to listen to while I’m working out.  For me, having the right music makes for an awesome workout, as opposed to a mediocre workout.  SO, I need some ideas, because I’m getting kinda bored of my playlist.  My tastes vary, so I’m open to any suggestions you might have.  If you could just write your ideas in the comments, that would be SO greatly appreciated

Well, I decided on a whim that today was going to be the big day – time to restart the weight loss journey.  I did NOT realize, however, how much I’ve set myself back the past few months.  Ready for the stats?

Weight – 179.5.  Yep, I’ve gained back all but half a pound.  Um…. heh heh…. oops?!?

Waist circumference – oh crap, I can’t find my measuring tape.  Will post that later.

BMI – 32.8

According to this information, I am obese.  Uh huh, tell me something I don’t know.

SOOOOOO, I hopped on my elliptical trainer, which now squeaks like a sonofabitch (I must find a way to bring it downstairs so it doesn’t wake everyone up should I decide to work out early in the morning) and I lasted a WHOPPING 10 minutes.  Christ…..   I used to be able to do half an hour – it just about killed me, but I did it.  10 minutes had me wheezing like a 90 year old smoker.  I thought I was going to pass out.  Ah well, baby steps, right?  At least I worked up a sweat, haven’t done that in months.

I’ll be weighing in every Sunday and posting my progress.  My goal weight is 140, but hey, I would settle for 135

I am adding to my list….

17.  Let go of the people in your life who pretend to be your friend but chronically let you down.

This one I’ve been working on for quite some time, but it’s time to shit or get off the pot….  There are a few people who, if I run into, they are full of smiles and “howareya’s”, and they occasionally invite me when they are throwing a party (I’m guessing they need a seat-filler) but other than that they really can’t be bothered with me.  They lie, they ignore my attempts to contact them, they say they’ll come out when invited then not show up, without a phone call or anything….  To tell the truth, they are fake and insincere, and yet I struggle with just letting them go.  What it boils down to, is that I don’t want to hurt their feelings, even though they have no qualms about hurting mine.  It’s a role I’ve played ever since I was a kid, and it’s time to stop.

So what do you do?  Do you just cut them out completely?  Do you take them off your Facebook?  Do you confront them about their selfish behaviours?  Where’s the happy medium between being their doormat and telling them to piss right off?  Why even bother having someone in your life if they continually let you down?

Why can’t people just be fucking real?  If you don’t want to hang out, if deep down you really think I’m a loser, FINE, I’ll be happy to move right along.  Just be fucking honest, so I can quit wasting my time on you, okay?!?

Ryan and I have discussed having a third child a few times, and while Ryan has been more enthusiastic about it from the get-go, it’s taken me a while to come around.  I mean, we certainly have enough love in our family to go around, but three kids sounds like an awful lot.  Right?  And having to start all over again with the night feedings and the diapers…. mmmm, just not sure if I’m ready for that.

Then a few days ago, the idea came to me that perhaps we could adopt instead.  This idea came about rather unconventionally - I was forwarded a couple of downright horrific videos about children who had been actually killed by their own parents through outright torture, abuse, and neglect.   Now obviously these particular children couldn’t be saved because first their parents failed them miserably, secondly everyone who knew the abuse was happening failed them, and thirdly the system we pay with our tax dollars to protect children in these sort of situations failed them most of all.  BUT there are thousands and thousands of children who have been saved by the system or who have been placed for adoption who are either being bumped from one foster home to another or they are in “limbo”, and they need a permanent home.  We don’t have a lot of money, but we both have long-term jobs, we own our home and we don’t have much debt outside of our mortgage and car payment.  The way I see it is if we are going to have a third child anyways, why not open our home to a child who needs it?  To me it feels like a higher calling that I simply must answer.

I presented this idea to Ryan, and he turned me down flat.  Wouldn’t even consider it.  You all know it’s not my style to just quit, so my project today is to do some research on the adoption process.  I am interested in hearing any stories that you would like to share about being adopted, or if you know someone who has adopted and what their general experience was.  I  know it’s expensive, I know that you have to jump through one hoop after another, I  know that you are pretty much put through the wringer…  I’m just interested, in particular, in the perspective of the adoptive child.  Particularly if you were adopted and there were already biological children in the family, seeing as this will be the case for us.

I wasn’t sure if I wanted to share the videos with you that brought me to my decision, but I will anyways.  Consider yourself warned, they are graphic and they will absolutely break your heart.  I can’t watch them anymore myself, they make me cry every time. 

 

If I could save just one….. just one……

As the day has progressed, I have come up with a few more “things” about my life that I feel are in need of an eensy-weensy shake-up.    I had to wait for Willow to have her nap so I could concentrate, so I hope I remember everything.  I don’t know where this sudden drive came from to self-improve, but it seems like a pretty good thing, so I think I’ll just roll with it and see where it takes me.  I’ll just continue from my last list….

13.  Write a letter to my birth mother.  This is not something I “want” to do, it is something I NEED to do.  I need to seriously confront how I really feel about her and the fact that she walked out on me.  Whether I send the letter or not is still up for debate.

14.  Spend less money.  A LOT less.  We were down to our last $50, and I just spent it.  I know Ryan is getting frustrated with me, and if I were him, I would too.

15.  Embrace nature more often.  I don’t camp, but spending time outdoors and soaking in nature’s beautiful life force always helps me focus on my purpose.

16.  Research adoption so I can make a more educated case to Ryan.  Yes, I recently decided that if we were to have another child, I would prefer to adopt.  I will save the “why’s” for another post, it’s a pretty depressing story.

I think that’s it.   For now, that is.

I’ve already made a little bit of progress (hey, if you’re going to set some goals for yourself, why not jump right in?!?)  I went through my facebook apps and deleted all the ones that will take more than two minutes, so all but three went.  I signed up on Twitter so I can “update” without even signing onto facebook.  I’ve made some plans to keep Haley busy without the TV, and I have a super-healthy dinner planned.  Now I will go have a nap, seeing as (as I mentioned before) I have been up since 1:30am and I am getting really, really tired.  G’nite.

Those were the words stuck in my brain when I woke up at 1:30 this morning.  I haven’t been able to sleep since.  I wondered, what is that supposed to mean?  Did I have some wicked dream that I can’t remember?  Maybe…. but I’m taking the message to heart.

So what is it precisely that I need to change?  I’m not a complete trainwreck, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t some room for BIG improvements.  Oh my, where do I start….

I will put together a list of things I think I need to do to improve my quality of life.  I reserve the right to add and/or make changes to this list later.  After all, it’s the middle of the night and my brain is fuzzy.  Here goes!

1.  Get a new job.  The one I have is making me miserable.  I have to fight to get my paycheques and although almost the entire staff is delightful, I find myself feeling bitchy if they are not working as hard as I am.  I’m just a freaking cashier, for christ sake.

2.  Stop wasting so much time on Facebook.  I signed up so I could reconnect with old friends and keep in touch with everyone.  Now it has become an absolute haven for useless games, and I’m sucked right in.

3.  Spend more QUALITY time with the kids.  Meaning NOT in front of the TV.  I mean, why not bring back Family Game Night?  Go for walks.  Side note – must make time for special one on one activities with Haley.  She needs that extra attention.

4.  Spend time with Ryan, AGAIN not in front of the TV.  I swear that’s all we do, is watch TV. 

5.  Read more books.  Learn new things.  I think I’ll hit the library and just randomly pick some books.  Even if they look boring – after all, you can’t judge a book by it’s cover, right?

6.  Start exercising and eating properly again.  When I was on my health kick last winter, I was SUCCEEDING.  Why would I let that go?  The bottom line is, I’m sick of being fat, and I’m sick of making excuses for why I eat like an oinker and don’t use the elliptical trainer that is sitting right in my GD living room.  Too stressed?  No time?  Please.

7.  Get out and meet new people.  I have acquaintances here (as opposed those I know from back home), but not many people that I can call a real friend.  I think part of the problem (and notice I said “part”) is that I don’t know many people I actually have something in common with.  I’ve actually started that one, I’m now taking Willow to a couple of different playgroups so I can meet people I have something in common with – the great virtue of motherhood.  It’s a start.

8.  Be a better friend.  I know that I USED to be a loyal and readily available friend – a couple of people have taken serious advantage of that, and it soured my outlook on friendship in general.  You know how it is. you give and give and give and get feg-all back in return.  It’s time to let that go.  It’s okay to give of yourself, so long as you have the necessary boundaries in place.

9.   Blog more often.  I find myself having some pretty profound thoughts that never seem to make it onto my computer before they whither up and turn to dust.  These thoughts must be shared!

10.  Be responsible for my own success.  No one else can be.  If I want something, I’m just going to have to go get it.

11.  Lose the fear.  Fear serves no purpose except to stunt emotional and spiritual growth.  It’s held me back for as long as I can remember.  Without it, I know I can flourish.

12.  Bring back spirituality.  I “grew” more in my mid-20’s than I did in the rest of my lifetime.  Why?  Because I embraced spirituality.  I studied hypnotherapy, the art of meditation, Reiki, EFT, the chakra system, wholeheartedly, without judgement.  And you know what?  Through these mediums, I learned an awful lot about who I am and what my purpose really is.  The problem was, I let these things define me, and when the studies were over and I couldn’t find any like-minded people I could relate to, I let it all go and allowed the tedium of life to take back over.

I think that’s it for now.  I’m going to post my progress here.  See goal #9.

The past two or three weeks has been no less than a whirlwind.  Lemme just start off by saying that having my license is freakin’ AWESOME…. it is so very cool to not have to leave half an hour early just to go somewhere.  I went to pick my kid up from a playdate, I left five minutes before it was time to get her and STILL got there a couple minutes early!

So where to start…. so the visit with my sister went really well, it was definitely nice to see her after so many years and my kids really enjoyed her.  We decided to spend a day shopping in Penticton, and that was an adventure all on it’s own…. let’s just say I think I got a little overzealous and wasn’t quite ready for city driving (and let’s face it, Penticton is NOT a “big city”)  I ended cutting someone turning left (it was a close call and YES it was all my fault – so embarrassing), missed my turn to go to a restaurant for lunch and spent half an hour trying to find my way back, THEN hopped a freaking curb coming out of the drive-thru!  It was lucky we had left early and gotten some shopping done because  by the time we were done lunch, I decided I just wanted to go home…. I had enough of  driving!  We had some great family picnics (one of which we were thanking our lucky stars our picnic table was covered, because it started pouring, then hailing!) and lots of downtime just sitting and chatting.  The visit seemed to come to a close really fast and it was a bit hard to see her go back home but that’s just the way it goes.  At least she got a decent visit with her family, which I think EVERYONE needed.

Then last Friday, we went to see Bill Cosby… oh hell yeah!  My parents bought tickets for me and Ryan as an anniversary gift, and the show was great.  He is funny even when it seems like he isn’t even trying to be funny!  I grew up listening to his tapes when we travelled, so it was really neat to see him in person.

Then my friend Krista and her family came for a visit, and I got to spend a whole day with them.  What a great family they are.  Besides the fact that Krista and Tom are a really great couple, they have four kids who are among the best behaved, most well-mannered children I have EVER MET.  Seriously.  I wish we lived closer to them so Haley could hang out with them all the time.  I was so sad to see them go, next time they are down this way I hope I can talk them into staying longer.

We took Haley to the fair in Penticton the next day.  It a pretty small fair (if you lived in Smithers the it’s a little smaller than the fall fair, and without the exhibits).   Haley had a blast going on all the rides, Ryan went on a couple with her and Willow and I puddled around and saw what there was to see.  We thought this would be our last family outing before I went back to work, but strangely I haven’t been put on the schedule yet…. hmmmmm, not sure if I should be concerned or doing the happy dance!

On a side note, I finally got to try out our new pool!  Considering the fact that it’s been between 35 and 40 degrees the past couple of weeks, the pool was QUITE warm!  Still a nice way to unwind after a hectic day.

This week holds no promises of slowing down…I’m in the midst of planning another Mary Kay party (a few, actually, if I can get some decent leads)  Haley has a playdate with a really nice kid who just recently moved here, the next street dance is this Friday, then on Saturday is the big Peach Fest Parade!  If I didn’t thrive on chaos so much, I would probably be hiding under the bed right now

Anywho, it’s the middle of the night and I should try to get in a couple hours of sleep before it’s time to get up and start the new day.  Hope everyone has an amazing week!

Sooooo…… got some kinda big news to share…. if you’ve been on my Facebook lately, you’ll already know, but I did my driving test yesterday, and finally, FINALLY got my licence.  Why is this such a big deal to me?  Because it is something I have put off for… let’s see…. 14 freaking years!  I had a very intense fear of driving, almost to the point that I would start hyperventilating and/or crying once I got behind the wheel.  A wee bit embarrassing, but I think most people can identify with having one thing that freaks them out more than anything else.  My biggest fear of driving would be obviously getting into an accident and being responsible for hurting someone else.  However, being a mother of two children kinda makes having a licence a necessity, so with Ryan’s coaching and limitless patience, I started practicing.  I learned to control my breathing (I would actually have to REMIND myself to breathe, as I would find myself holding my breath without even realizing it!) and concentrate on what I was doing rather than what bad things could possibly happen.

I still need a lot of practice… but I can get it anytime I want, now that I have the freedom.  Victory is mine!

On another “woohoo” note, my sister is here visiting.  As I mentioned before, we haven’t seen each other in years, due to some big-time family drama and the fact that she lives so far away now.  We definitely have a different sister-to-sister dynamic than we used to, and I don’t think it will ever be what it used to, but it is really nice to have her here.  We’ve been so busy with kids and family visits and whatnot that we haven’t had much of a chance to really sit down and have a good talk, but she is here for another week so the opportunity is bound to present itself soon   I can’t express how happy I am to see her reconnect with her children and my parents, everyone is so happy to see her and I hope that we can all keep that connection going. 

Well, I’m in for quite a day, I’ve been up all night…. there’s been a pretty wicked lightning storm going since dinnertime last night and I think all the electricity in the air has got me all charged up!  I’d better go try and get some rest before the kids wake up.  Toodles!